Pirates of the Caribbean II- A Review

Before I start my review of this movie, keep in mind that I found the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie to be quite good- I even bought it on DVD.

The sequel is full of suck. This is not a quality film, this should be on the Sci-Fi channel on Saturday. The only things that are keeping PotC2 from being a "B" movie are the A-list actors, and the incredible special effects.

(By "incredible special effects", I am specifically referring to Davy Jones and the Kraken. The crewmen on the Flying Dutchman are all obviously CG.)

I know it's an incredibly popular movie; Kiera Knightly hooks all the boys/men, Orlando Bloom hooks the teenage girls, and Johnny Depp hooks all of their mothers. These three together could read the phone book or teach advanced Calculus on camera and it would be a box office smash. There would also be a sudden jump in math scores for teen girls.

[Note to all idea stealers: I swear, if I see an advanced calculus movie come out with big-screen hotties, I'm coming after you. Criminal Minds got away with stealing my idea for an ethnic linguist, and if she makes hot love to Dr. Reid, I'm going after them, too.]

The first hour of the movie is exposition. Urinetown, the Musical makes it abundantly clear that too much exposition can kill a show. So can a bad title. So, believe me when I say this; the play on words with "Dead Man's Chest" made me roll my eyes so hard that I was afraid that the momentum would make them pop out of my skull and roll across the floor.

[Note to readers: The only other time this was an issue was when I was listening to "Girlfriend in a Coma" in the car. Sooooo preachy. But Robert Sean Leonard read it, and I have a thing for him/his voice, so this was forgivable.]

Another serious weakness of the movie was the incredible implausibility of EVERYTHING. Yes, I know it's a movie. Yes, I get suspension of disbelief. There is only so far that this incredibly unimaginative woman can stretch the limits of plausibility, though.

Oh yeah, and on what planet does Kiera Knightly look or sound like an adolescent boy? Again, with the implausibility.

The worst part of the whole train wreck that is PotC2 is the incredible over-acting. It couldn't have been any more overdone if it had been a melodrama instead of a family-friendly action flick.

I am caught in a quandary. Did I love it or did I hate it? I mean, certainly, when I love movies like Frankenfish and Shark Attack 3: Megaladon, I should love PotC2 as well. I think my issue is that I was expecting an awesome movie (like the first one), and was blindsided with a B movie.

In all honesty, I think if Johnny Depp just dressed up as Jack Sparrow and walked around in every movie, it would be a huge success. PotC2 is all about Jack strutting about and being all drunk and pirate-y.

Oh yeah, and Kiera bugs me in a big way.

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